Born Again

 I was 13 when I gave my heart to the Lord.  It hasn’t always been an easy journey, but the devil does not want it to be.

I was at Evangel Temple church in Toronto, ON with my grandparents and cousin.  I was sitting in the balcony when I heard Pastor Benny Hinn say God has just healed a child from chronic migraines.  I was sitting there with a painful migraine and in that moment I felt something flow through me and my migraine was gone. I knew God was real and that he was a God of grace and power.  I went to the alter at the end of the service and accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Savior.

That summer was wonderful.  My grandparents were both Pentecostal ministers.  They were extremely involved with their church.  I went to church at least three times a week.  All of my friends in Canada came from Christian families.  I was baptized that summer.  I received the Holy Spirit and started speaking in tongues.  I went to a Christian camp and out of a few hundred children; I received the “Rancher of the Week” award, because I displayed the most Christ-like behaviors. It was easy being a Christian, and then I had to go back to the real world.

I returned to Maryland at the end of the summer. I had no support system, so being a Christian became a whole lot harder. I had relatives threaten to beat me up if I didn’t stop talking about God.  I had family and friends think I had lost my mind.  They said my dad’s parents had brainwashed me.

I went to a Christian school, but according to their beliefs speaking in tongues was in the past.   I was called into the principal’s office an accused of being a satanist.  I had short hair and was wearing a black cardigan, so I couldn’t be a Christian.  Teachers had dragged me out of class, because I debated them.  My mom is Catholic and we had a teacher say 98.9% of all Catholics go to hell.  I raised my hand and asked “How do you know? Have you gone to Heaven and hell and counted all of the Catholics? I quoted scripture to disprove a teacher’s agenda.  Throughout middle school, I drifted further away from God.  I attended a public high school and soon forgot my beliefs.

High School went by quickly, and my by my early 20’s I tried to ignore God’s voice all together. I partied every weekend.  I was searching for love and acceptance.  I was so lost.  I felt alone.  An outsider may think I had the greatest life, but I was constantly trying to fill a void. I gave my heart, my soul, my being to God, and because of that I knew what I was doing was wrong. What I was feeling was conviction, and I knew that.  I still tried to ignore it, but God’s voice was there saying “You deserve better.”

I settled down in my mid-twenties.  I ended up with a man who has no intentions of ever marrying me.  We have nothing in common and can honestly go days without speaking. We have a beautiful son Joshua.  Josh was diagnosed with 1p36 deletion syndrome when he was three weeks old.  After Josh’s diagnosis, I found God again.  Fear brought me to him and fear would once more lead me away.

I came to God out of selfishness, not because I wanted to love Him.  I wanted something from Him and that was to heal my son. I prayed that He heal Josh and make an example out of him to bring others hope.  Then one morning feeling panicked I ran to Josh’s room and he was having a grand mal seizure.  He turned blue and his little body just stopped. I called 911 and told the operator that he had died. My brain wouldn’t stop, yet everything seemed like it was in slow motion. Josh ended up being okay.  An ambulance came and he was later flown to Baltimore.  In that moment, I should have been thanking God but instead I cursed him.

Why would he do that to Josh? To me? I had “Christians” tell me my son was being punished because of my sins. The older Josh got the more people disappeared. People in public would stare. Strangers would make horrible comments. I finally through my hands to Heaven and screamed “I am at my limit!!! You said you wouldn’t give me more than I can handle!!!  I can’t handle this!  You are not real!” I felt abandoned and because of that began to question the Lord’s existence.

This past November I finally broke.  I have written about my anxiety attacks so I won’t go into too much detail.  Again, I started praying out of fear.  I played Christian music around the clock.  Josh’s father and I had separated for two years I had him move back home. I did everything because of fear. I started taking anxiety medicine and I started to feel better.  I stopped playing Christian music.  I stopped praying. I started following my old ways.

To be honest I am not sure what the change was, but I knew I wanted God in my life.  Not only did I want him in my life but I want to immerse myself in Him.  I want Josh to know Him. I started to pray. I decided to find a church. We went to a few different churches until we found the right one for us.  I am excited to go to church.  I would go everyday if I could.

The first time in my life, I can hear God.  I want to read the Bible.  I want to completely understand the Word of God. I have no idea where I am headed, but I know he is leading me somewhere good.  I have learned to trust Him, and obey Him.  He doesn’t want me to fail. 

There are some really awesome things that God has been leading me too.  I am going to keep you updated so you can see how He is working in my life.  If you are not saved, I hope my experiences will inspire you to have a personal relationship with the Lord.